Do NOT be in a daze and forget to check if the lid is down.

Cos when something cold and hard touches your butt you WILL jump and come close to peeing yourself.

I know.

Apparently I do.

Apparently I have big huge fuck off sign on my back that says....

'Take me for all you can'

Oh yes, dear readers, me ... ever vigilant me has just chucked £64 out of the window and watched it flitter away.

Think of the wine that could buy. Don't cry RTB.

My remote locking system fucked up.

I replaced battery but messed up the programming.

Took car to an 'authorised so I don't fuck up my warranty' dealership.

They reprogrammed and sucked my purse dry.

I get back to office.

Fucking car won't lock.

So I do what any sane, level headed girl would do.

I start kicking the car and wailing like a fish wife.

Annorak co-worker comes to me, peels me from hood (bonnet to you Anglos) and asks where my manual is.

* blank stare *

Oh that thing in the glove box. Thought that was a Gideons bible.

One turn of the key in the ignition, one press of a button and hey fucking presto!

* click *

Car now locks, unlocks and does a tap dance.

Does the story end there?

Of course not ... this is Abi luck here.

I call the 'authorised so I don't fuck up my warranty' dealership and they say they cannot refund the money because this all happened away from there so how can they be sure I am not making it up.

I did after all have every opportunity to test it before I drove away.

Soooooo after work today I shall be driving my car to the 'authorised so I don't fuck up my warranty' dealership and ramming it over and over and over into the stupid inflatable they have bouncing out front of the showroom.

They must have sensed my growing irritation.

They must have seen me looking longingly out of the window down to the beautiful cold concrete below.

They must have realised I have a whopping life insurance policy.

Bastards moved me to a ground floor office today.