Saturday night.

Reading (ish) area.

No sex involved.

Anyone?

lol.

The 'Dominatrix' pic won the vote.

I am sad to see my long loved catwoamn go but too many imposters using her too.

So it's on with the new boots and longer whip.

* looks around for victim to try the whip out on *

Oh Nicccccccckkkkkk

A nurse walks into a bank.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says,

"Well, that's great..........that's really great..........Some asshole's got my pen."

Anyone else feel like volunteering for Saturday night duty? lol.

I couldn't get the code to paste so here's a little giggle for ya.

Yep ... I am bored today.

Ok ...after the recent hijack (hey I'm a brat and will call it whatever I want to) I am trying to decide on new avatar pic.

Here are the three choices.

Naked Catwoman

BDSM

or

Dominatrix

You guys decide .... this will run until tomorrow.

And no I do not mean someone from Poland. I have something I want to run a poll on. How do you do it?

Hmmmm ... in my quest for a new avatar pic I have been strolling through my files and found some stuff from the past that has made me giggle.

Do y'all remember when I had Juzzzys avatar doing a striptease throughout one boring Friday? I think we raised £27 and some pocket fluff.

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Ha I think not !!!

I shall now have to change my much loved catwoman avatar. It seems someone who created a blog about 20 days ago is using it. I am sure it is an innocent mistake

Oh well.

One brother.

Manufactured in 1968.

All offers considered.

This is fantastic !!

I hate banks.

I hate telephone companies.

I hate council tax employees.

I hate credit cards companies.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

You would think I am asking to have their left leg on a plate.

I just want to tell them I am moving.

Is it too much to ask for a call centre with people who might posssibly understand what the fuck I am saying !!!!!

Sorry, but I need to get away.

You guys have been great but I just need some solitude away from all the noise.

So I am leaving.

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To go on vacation. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Ok, fine, so I am not going until December.

Any guesses where I just booked for?

"People who want to take this within 24 hours of the event and make it their political hobby horse to ride, I've got nothing but loathing for them," Virginia Govenor, Tim Kaine said.

Ok, Molty just made a comment on my superb date story about how I know how to pick 'em.

So I started thinking that yeah my taste is obviously t ilted. So I wonder how practical it will be to have a dating game, like a dating survivor blog show or summat.

We advertise for contestants. You guys get to cull 'em down to say 3 or 4 and then I have to go on a date with each (maybe complete with cam so I have to youtube each date) and you all vote on who wins a second date.

Hmmmmmm. Paddyyyyyyy ... AJJJJJ ....... thoughts?

lol.

Yes ...dating desperation has set in. I cannot take another loser date!!

Did some pruning of my own. Dropped 9 'friends' for non-personal reasons.

My rule of thumb that I used was pretty basic ... they have either been absent for more than 45 days or they pissed on me.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha .... who is missing now? I can hear the wheels turning in Juzzzys head as he tries to figure it out.

Wellllllllll.

Seems I touched a nerve.

I have already said I will not 'name and shame' and I do not go back on my word so ffs quit sending me whining texts and emails.

Just be thankful I did not show you in an even worse light than what I did.

For those that keep asking ...No, this person is not on my friends list. That would be too obvious if I left him there.

Oh and that'll be £130 for the dress ta very much.

Alright, are ya all settled in then?

Juzzzy quit stealing Subs blankie. Pads share the popcorn with Nick. Ok, everone quiet. It's story time.

When I accepted the invitation to dinner I tentatively asked if we could keep it quiet here in Blogville. Not that I wish to hide anything but more to keep it sheltered while it (hopefully) grew. The seemingly mannered Mr X was totally understanding of that. We had gotten to know each other over the last year both on here and via phone.

So, off on my date I go. I drive into a certain city that I don't know too well (to be fair I don't know anywhere well .. lol). I find my hotel, get booked in and call to let him know I have arrived safe.

Over the next couple of hours I engage in a sweet battle of wits with hotel reception over my desire for a working television and some room service. I sorta won. A roast beef sandwich and free movie channel.

8pm. Stroll down to hotel bar. Try to look mysterious and sexy. Hmmmm hoover salesman in the corner seems to think I am a prositute .. he is waving a £10 note at me!!

Ahhh here comes my prince charming. Doesnt look quite like the picture he showed me but thats ok, I'm not entirely shallow.

He whisks me off (in a taxi so we can both enjoy a glass or two) to dinner. The restaurant is stunning, the staff attentive and the food amazing. We order wine.

"Oh, ok lets get the second bottle. Some vodka, sure go ahead."

Drink is flowing, conversation energetic and sexual tension crackling.

"Hmmmm dinner over so soon? How about this nice little jazz bar?"

All so very script like and I have enough of a buzz to be drawn in.

"Well, looks like one of us should slow down on the drinking."

Oh ok, I will shall I seeing as how I am your guest in this city.

Many, many vats of wine later and enough vodka to float Russia and the jazz bar deems it time for my now rather loud date to leave.

"Taxi !!! Ahhhhh, yes sir, if you can please take us to our hotel. No, my date won't throw up in your cab. I promise."

The cab slowly winds its way to the hotel with the driver continuing to glance nervously at my date to check his potential vomiting situation.

"Oh no sir, he's fine he won't thr.....what the fuck ....oh no....it's all over my dress."

Well, no Mr Taxi driver, thats right ... you cant see any vomit. He didn't vomit.

He just fucking pissed all down me !!!!!

Hmmmm. I had this wonderful version of my date to share with you.

I was going to leave out the dodgy parts and focus on the great food, wonderful restaurant staff, smoky jazz bar etc.

Then I get an email.

"I saw on your blog that you are planning on sharing our date. I would rather you not do that as I fear it may border on slanderous and I would hate to cause bad blood by possibly seeking legal action"

Hmmmmmmm. Well buddy boy. It's only slander if mention your name or allude strongly to who you are. So now I shall DEFINATELY be sharing the whole date ... oh yes, the WHOLE date.

Stay tuned.

Please stroll here and consider this ...... even if you can just do 50p.

* tries not to beg *

1) My Blog date this past weekend.

and

2) What I did that has gotten me walking a thin line between eating and unemployment.

Can I make a request? Before we do what so frequesntly happens around here can we maybe change things a little today.

Generally when something tragic happens in the world there are certain ones who spout off a quick finger pointing, blame fuelled post.

Lets just have one day, thats all, or heck even just this morning to not start being self-righteous about the tragedy at Virginia Tech.

... if I need to translate your blog, you have no intention of ever posting anything in your blog or your are younger than 18.

I am dead serious.

Translate ... because FFS why should I?

Non-blogging ... I dont mind if you never comment on me but hell, give me something to read on yours.

Age ... with some of my content it would bother me if I encouraged minors to read.

* * * * * * * * * *

I am also sick and tired of those who go through and do mass invites cos they want to look cool with a high 'friends' count. It really is pretty obvious what you are doing.

Rant over.

Oooo sunshine ..... * stolls away *

Ahhhh the joy of automated phone systems.

Press 4 for this.

Press 6 for that.

Blah blah.

You finally get a number to press that will supposedly take you to a real life person.

Ha fucking ha.

I now sit and wait and get periodically told

"Thank you for holding, your call is important to us ... please hold"

Oh my God ... I just want to tell them I am moving ffs!!!

Why is it that a decison made at 2am on Saturday seems so logical?

Also, what do people in china call their good plates?

Is there such a thing?

I think not.

I have yet to see/read a news report/blog that does not even inadvertantly lean towards the author/reporters particular stance on whatever it is they are reporting about.

So many claim that they only report the facts or they report from the fence but c'mon lets be honest. That's not entirely true now is it?

Continuing .....

2. Be Confident, Again

Back to being confident though, girls like that. If you are confident, then this shouldn't be a problem for you. But since you're reading my online dating advice, chances are you're not confident, you're more like a jellyfish in a sea of robot sharks. You probably get beat-up on the playground by the other jellyfish and get called things like spineless, which is technically true but hurtful nonetheless. To remedy this, make sure not to question yourself, and make sure you always come off as right. Sometimes girls don't always realize that I'm confident right away even though I wear a t-shirt that clearly states "Confident", so I like to tell them "You don't know me, but I'm awesome." This lets them know I'm awesome without having to beat around the bush, and shows them I'm confident enough in my awesomeness to let perfect strangers know about the aforementioned awesomeness. Sometimes I also wear a shirt that says "Awesome" as this is saves me the trouble of having to explain myself... unless I'm trying to pick up an illiterate girl, which in that case, it's an interesting conversation starter.

Here ya go chicka

Since there is a 'Speed of sound' and a 'Speed of light' ......

...... is there a 'Speed of smell'?

OMG ... I found this and cannot believe the guy is seriously offering out this advice. I am so amused I shall be slowly torturing y'all with it.

10 Steps For Picking Up Girls

1. Be Confident
First off, girls like a guy who's confident. It makes them feel safe and secure. Even though the simple thought of talking to a girl makes you want to shit yourself, never let her know that... seriously, never let her know that or she'll think you're some kind of weirdo who shits himself when he talks to a girl. That is a huge turnoff. In fact, probably more important than being confident is to not shit yourself. If you feel the need to squeeze one out, get to the bathroom post haste and neglect mentioning to her that she makes you want to poop.

Fab book !!!!!!

"The best kind of fiction is the kind that tells the truth and Strasser nails it in this tale of Maybe, a homeless girl with Vitiligo (a skin coloration condition) lives on the streets of Manhattan with her tribe, Rainbow, Tears, Maggot, Jewel, OG, Country Club, and 2Moro. As the streets take their toll the tribe is diminished by death and disease. Her stomach always hurting from hunger Maybe and Rainbow are beaten by a library janitor when they trash the public restroom as they try to clean up. Andrew, a librarian, who himself has Vitiligo, tries to befriend Maybe. An absolute must read for those who read gritty realism. Totally gut-wrenching."

I have a date with a blogger this weekend !!

Oh Shit.

Yep I am in a serious mess.

I fucked up quite royally.

I did something back in January (with all good intentions) and it has just come back to bite me on the ass.

I could lose my job.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuckity.

"Abi, just calling to see how things are going with the writing"

"Well, Mr Agent, I seem to be at a stumbling point"

"Hmmmm now I don't mean to put pressure on but well, we do want to get this on the shelves as soon as we can."

"Yes, I know that but my mind is freezing on the memories right now"

"Where are you at with it? Maybe I can help"

"I am at the part where I make a shank to deal with the person who is pressuring me"

"Um, take your time ... no rush"

I am on the escalator in our wonderfully chav shopping mall. In front of me are two potential ASBO teen girls. I can't help but overhear their charming conversation.

"I would suck his dick. Would you?"

"Course I would. Think he is old enough to drive?"

"Prolly. Why?"

"Won't get wet if I fuck him and it's raining"

"Hey, look ... there he is ... over there"

I can't help but follow the line her paint chipped fingernail is pointing out.

MY SON !!!!!!!!!!

C : " Mommmmmmmmmmm !!!! Change lanes ! Change Lanes ! "

* deranged child beating frantically on the dashboard *

M : " eh? "

C : " Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit "

* his hand on door ready to leap from moving vehicle *

* lightbulb goes off in my head *

M : " C hun, in England they drive on the left not the right "

* C slumps back in seat to catch his breath *

M : " Oh, and don't fucking swear "

p.s. Yep, you guessed it ... I shall be sharing little moments from C's visit here over the last 10 days.

"Mom, you really are pretty cool. I wouldn't be ashamed to let you hang out with me."

"Yeah that's nice C, but I am still not doing your packing for you."

* Heart swells to the point of possible bursting as I walk downstairs *

My mom has developed this wonderful habit of just letting herself in to my house.

I am in bed this morning and as Smudge flys off the bed and scratches me in the process due to the sound of the door opening I groan thinking "It had better be a fucking stranger so I can cuss him"

"Cooooeeeeee it's me Abi ...I'll put the kettle on shall I?"

Great. So I get dressed and stumble downstairs only to see my mom frozen to the spot staring at the coffee table.

Seems I left a bondage collar out.