Walking into the fire
I forgive you for my hell

Whose fault is it that we are in lock-down this time? Mine. Apparently it is not a good thing when you call the security captain "A total fucking waste of space". I don't regret my words based on the fact that he really is an asshole. However I am very well aware that I am quite possibly the most unpopular female amongst the inmates due to the entire block also getting put into lock-down.

I lay here on my bunk and I can hear the comments coming from the other cells. It's almost comical to me how quick the tide can turn in here. These voices are the same ones that earlier in the week were my 'best friends' when I was filling out my store call sheet. The same voices who thought I was 'good folk' for buying a television for the day room. Now suddenly they don't even know my name, the word 'bitch' is much better substitute.

Three days in lock-down will wear on you and you start counting the seconds until you hear the click of the cell doors which signify lock-down is over. For me, however, I know that the click of those doors could also signify an intense wave of hostility that I will have no choice but to deal with.

When faced with the inevitable I know that I will have two very clear choices to make. Walk away and ignore the comments, threats and confrontations. Thereby giving myself the label of weak and abusable. My other choice is to step forward and face the threats head on. Which as we all know is likely, due the number of snitches that I have the pleasure of residing with, to result in yet another lock-down.

I have no idea how I am going to handle this but at this point there is no need to even try and decide. I grab my photo envelope and slowly take myself out of this hell. Before coming in here I never really looked at all the details in a picture. I always saw the main object but now I see so much more. The grass that looks deliciously long, the sky so blue, that car in the background that I would kill to be able to be in right now. Pictures and books have become my escape. In them I am free.

Suddenly, with a feeling of despair in my gut, I hear that unmistakable sound of the doors being released. I calming with an almost serene slowness put my pictures away and safely place the envelope under my pillow. I jump down from my bunk and take a deep breath.

There is no point in waiting, I push my cell gate open and walk through it.