I have been taking a look at lots of blogs to make sure I don't miss out on a potentially amazingly deserving person of Pads newly added award to the bloscars.

In making this trek around Blogville I have come to a very startling conclusion.

My blog is fucking boring in appearance.

Seriously.

So I am going to redecorate. I guess I have to wait until after the Bloscars so it does not apppear like I am trying for best prettied up blog ( or whatever the title is ).

I also think the whip cat is gonna go for a while. What do y'all think? I like the picture of a BDSM collar.

Hmmmmm .....

Thoughts.

Are you guys happy with how your blog looks, hate it or don't really give a fuck?

Seeing as how I promised Nixie and she is feeling a leeeetle poorly today.

Do y'all remamber last week when I had a day with a rather tender head? The day where I was feeling a wee bit wobbly?

No? Well go HERE to catch up. Then come back and find out what was in the letter than made me get totally wankered.

I'll wait.

* tap ... tap ... tap ... tap *

Oh fek, can't wait that long.

Sooooooooooo ..................

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I stopped at home and grabbed my mail and then headed to my local village pub to unwind, have a quiet drink and read my mail and the newspaper.

I start sorting through the pile of stooopid advertising mail and bills to see an envelope that makes my heart stop.

It is from Fucked Up County USA Sheriffs office. ( who run the jail )

My hand is shaking. That place made my life hell and still haunts my sleeping hours.

What do they want with me?

I feel like throwing up.

I steady my nerves with a hastily gulped glass of wine.

I open the envelope and cautiously unfold the letter.

OMFG !!!!!!

I am holding a letter that is from Sheriff Fuck Up himself apologising for certain things that happened and the actions of his staff at Fucked Up Jail ( what about your lack of action you bastard ). He mentions how it was brought to his attention that I may be 'thinking' ( bit late aren't ya buddy ) of writing a detailed account of my time in his 'care'. Would I be so kind as to accept his apology and run anything by him for approval that I may be intending on including.

OMFG !!!!!!

Do you guys have any, I mean ANY, idea how that letter made me feel.

Total validation.

Fuck you Sheriff Fuck Up.

Do you really think your cowardly apology means a thing to me except for victory?

I will become a born again virgin tortoise farmer before I get your approval on a damn thing I write.

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So that my fellows Bloggees is why I got rip roaring drunk last week, knocked over a table, played pool with some drunk girl and paid equal to my mortgage in a bar bill.

It's all swings and roundabouts in the world of Abi.

Ok, this has just made me laugh so loud I snorted tea out of my nose.

I think we should do this as a honor based contest.

Between now and Friday how many of these can you do?

Maybe post on here to say you did one of them and then post about it and the reactions of those around you on your blog.

Hell, forward it around your office ( cos everyone lurves forwards ) and claim their points too.

ONE-POINT DARE

1. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

5. While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

6. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.

THREE-POINT DARES

1. Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

4. Every time you get an email, shout ''email''.

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for the week. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle". Then wink and pout.

7 . Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any pornography web sites.

FIVE-POINT DARES

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave".

4. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

5. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

6. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.

7. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

9. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

10. Dry h*mp the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, "I'll see you tonight".

My dear fellow reprobates I am so glad to be here today.

Oh yes you read that right. No griping about it being a dreary monday. No bitching about incompetent clients and workers. I am going to hug anyone that gets within 4 feet of my office.

Wanna know why?

Oh shurrup cos I'm gonna tell ya anyway.

Saturday night I had one or three bottles of wine. (there's a suprise)

Fall gracelessy in to bed (alone I might point out) at about 2am after drunkenly watching Jane Ayre.

Dreaming what I am sure are disturbing, therapy worthy dreams.

Suddenly in my dream I am getting attacked by someone with needles for fingers. Ouch it hurts. Get off me.

I slowly start to wake up to realise I have one rather hysterical cat attached to my face!!

The shrieking noise is something that just cannot be adequately described here but I do think they heard it at the space station.

After carefully removing Smudge from my face and trying to push him off the bed he then attaches himself to my chest and will NOT get off.

Then I start to realise something is not right. Can't put my finger on it.

That smell.

What is that smell.

OH FUCKING HELL

I know that smell.

GAS !!!!

I grab my mobile phone from the bedside, hug Smudge tight, try to get the bathrobe on ( not easy when the cat won't let go ) and haul my ass down the stairs and out the door.

Fuck it was cold and wet at 4.30am but I could not have been happier.

My normal morning routine is to wake up, stumble to the kettle, flip the on switch and then light a cigarette !!!

I shudder to think of how that cigarette would have woken me and the rest of this county up.

My cat deserves a medal!!!