I did didn't I?

* cough *

All shall be revealed as soon as I flip a coin.

I am thinking of moving to Sweden.

The tree is up and looking oh so pretty.

Not at my house of course

The lights bring a warmth to my heart.

No, they are NOT on fire

Oh look, how cute.

My mother has put all these different size gift bags under the tree.

Hmmm, names on them. DO I look?

Is the pope catholic?

Hmmmm, maybe there's money of the paper kind inside cos none are heavy nor making noise when I gently shake 'em.

* cough *

"Don't bother hun, they're empty" says my ever pessimistic dad.

"Why?" I question with my crestfallen face.

"Cos they're all bloody empty ... they're from last year"

"Eh"

"Your batty mother thought it would look cute. 'Decorations' she said"

So, there you have it.

My mother has lost the fucking plot.

Nursing home vacancies anyone?

I live with them both.

A very fat pigeon is in the garden ... looks like a bloody turkey!

My MP3 won't hold a charge.

My hair it seems is now the same color as some bartender from Coronation Street (why do random people in shops feel the need to share).

I am having sex on December 7th. Apparently.

These are all things I have discovered today.

2 hours and 8 minutes to go.

With Paddy.

Of course if he ever goes straight then it's over as half the charm is knowing he won't be trying to 'cop a feel'.

I got the sweetest (albeit rambling) letter yesterday morning.

So last night I laid in bed before drifting away to sleepyland and thought of Paddy. (Well, I wrote him a bloody letter anyway)

Anyone else wanna send me somthing to make me smile?

Anyway, I am off work today.

Shock horror.

I am doing something at 2.05pm that I need you to all keep your fingers crossed for me for.

No, it's not an interview so no speculating there.

x

...... singing worse than Fatey.

How many of you just asked "What was the question?"

Another trip to Leeds. Another packed train.

No my new job is not customer service for National Rail.

Although I think I would be a wonderfully compassionate ambassador for train travel in this sunny country.

What? I so would.

Anyway, back to my point.

If the sign says ' quiet carriage ' does that mean that I can to ' quietly ' smack the guy who keeps glaring at me?

£1.37 and some belly button fluff to the person who can guess why he is glaring at me.

Seems that you guys can survive without me after all. If your blogs are anything to go by anyway.

Now.

Yes I found wine.

Yes I relieved the boredom.

Yes I am still sexless. Well actually I am a sex. I am just without.

Oh bugger me that all sounds wrong.

And no, I am not offering a buggering.

Oh goodness. Take the wine away.

However back to sex. I shall be rectifying that in a few weeks. Remember the guy from abroad who I was getting to see every few months? He will be in the UK next month and I have informed him that I require use of his body for about 5 hours.

Oh and guess who now lives in London and not Leeds.

Yep, I sent toothbrush boy a text whenI was up there last week. I know, I know ... don't laugh. Imagine my shock when he texts back that he lives in London now. Arghhhhhh .... little too close.

Oh sorry to any and all who got stupid blank texts from a strange number today.

So I need to at least fix 2 out of 3.

Oh yes .... wild child that I am I shall be going grocery shopping.

Oh new phone number so some of you should be expecting a text with new number (as so as I can figure out this damn phone)

I promise to catch up on what y'all have been up to over the next couple of days too.

x

Is that a song title? Sounds like one.

Anyway. Off to Leeds after a rather interesting taxi trip from Paddington to Euston. Don't ask.

Taxi driver was worthy of a second look. Oops, sorry did I show too much cleavage when gathering my bits?

I have a really annoying group of four in front of me. Obviously tourists.

Yeah, cos I blend.

Anyway. A long four hours ahead.

Make sure I don't forget to change at Manchester.

Now let me clear summat up.

I did not just fall out of an inbred Jerry Springer show.

I really HAVE stayed in some very luxurious hotels before.

However .....

This is more fun than a mud wrestling match with Sandra Bullock, Me and Cheesecake.

I have just spent 10 minutes trying to slam the lid down on this 'quiet close' toilet !

Fucking amazing and I do think it' time to stroll down to the bar and test the limits of this expense account.

Anyone in Bristol may wanna stay away from town tonight.

When my new compnay put me up in a hotel this bloody nice.

Oh a drink when get to my room? Don't mind if I do.

Gaze out of my perch on high at the rather nice city view? Don't mind if 3 do.

Power shower? Don't mind if I do.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh

When my new compnay put me up in a hotel this bloody nice.

Oh a drink when get to my room? Don't mind if I do.

Gaze out of my perch on high at the rather nice city view? Don't mind if 3 do.

Power shower? Don't mind if I do.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh

Sorry. Been busy.

You will, however, be glad to know that after only 10 days I am on the shortlist for my own office.

My productivity will increase tenfold and so will my ability to blog. Actually my lack of daytime blogging has really shown me how much I was bored at my old job. If that makes sense.

Sorry that I have missed so much but those of you who know me know its not lack of caring.

Now, lets talk about the plumber, my ex from the sandbox and biscuit crumbs.

Yep. I am adamantly refusing to get dressed today.

I have been running in circles for over a week now.

Today I am taking care of me.

Music playing. Clothes washing. House to myself.

Gonna dye my hair later and drink wine.

Oh yes, I lead the exciting life of a superstar.

I feel kinda out of the blog loop but is that really a bad thing?

I'm sure you all understand I am a wee bit preoccupied right now but I just had to run in and share summat.

Years ago when I was in school there were 4 boys who were the school hotties. The Famous Four.

Every girl, your truly included, had crushes on them.

I never revealed mine as I was always 'Good ole Abi', tomboy, up for a laugh ... etc etc. I was certainly never girlfriend material. It never really bothered me cos I loved being who I was and had no plans to be all girly just to fit in.

So I am sitting this morning going through the HR files of my new little kingdom.

It's funny how a name brings back memories. Exact same name as one of The Famous Four. Took a nice stroll down memory lane. This afternoon I went to see Namesake. Looks nothing like him. Memory Boy was slim and had a head full of blonde hair. Namesake was bald and with belly.

I sighed a big sigh of relief and laughed. I said "You have the same name as a guy I had a crush on when I was 13" (22 bloody years ago ... ughhhh)

You will never believe what he said.

"Abi ..... Oh my God. You look sooooooooooo good."

Small world ... Namesake IS Memory Boy !!!

Ha !! Not so bloody tomboy now am I eh?

First day at the new job.

They already have three road trips lined up for me.

One is in Leeds.

Guess which hotel?

Yep.

Wonder if toothbrush boy still works there.

* Gulp *

I am going to have to blog on my own time after 5pm today.

WTF.

Well, it's been nice knowing y'all.

Cat.

Hot tin roof.

Yep ... that's me.

This Girl from last years blog post just came and told me that she had enjoyed working with me and tried to give me a goodbye hug.

Then she asked where we were all going after work for the 'leaving drinks'.

If she goes it will be the emergency room.

Take that you twisted bastard.

Serve at least 4 1/2 before you are eligible for parole.

I'm sure most of you know what I am rambling about.

I think it's kinda good closure that on my last day here the guy who sent the letter bomb is sentenced don't you?

Still behaving with dignity and holding my head high.

Exit interview done with.

That was hilarious.

I was very professional about it.

Really.

Manipulative, vindictive, ladder-climbing, back stabbing, fake, talentless, hypocritical.

Just a few words that spring to mind on this fine crisp morn.

Now, where is that pink gun?

It's almost over Abi.

Ta da !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Validated too !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The pirate of course ... not the shell of the Cutty Sark.

Something about glass houses and people throwing stones.

Oh well, off to bed with my drunk beyond repair tired ass.

x

Not one sarcastic comment.

Any able to suggest a decent 'guide book' to England (or Britain).

I want something that has all kinds of ideas for places to go explore on weekends. Not the usual touristy trap stuff either.

Someone suggested the Lonely Planets series but to behonest I would rather get a mix of suggestions before blindly donating my hard earned *cough* money to Amazon.

I feel like I fell into a family reunion.

Guinea pigs and hamsters everybloodywhere.

* squeak *

Every now and then I stroll back in my blog to see what I was doing a year ago.

It seems this time last year I was having thoughts about dating.

Must be a yearly thing for me.

Is that possible?

Do you think there are times of the year you think about things more than other times of the year. Is it because I have just had a birthday?

Hmmmmmmmm.

Not at this stage of my life anyway.

After much thought and number crunching I have had to face the fact that I am NOT going to be able to go to work for the prison service.

I knew that the wage would be lower than what I am earning currently but I really thought I could trim some corners etc so that I could make the move.

However £15,900 less is quite a lot of fucking corners.

If I took the job I would be on eggshells each month with fingers crossed that nothing would go wrong.

Vacations, new shoes, wine and eating would be a distant dream.

Etc etc ...........

So it is with sad resignation in my voice that I let you all know I signed the permanant (instead of the three month) contract with the firm that will henceforth be know as 'Jim'.

I shall start there on October 1st.

No ... I am not driven by money and therefore a selfish cow ... I am driven by the need for security.

In other news ... one of the managers here came and asked me to give her some hints as to what I would like for a leaving present.

Is asking for a Audi TT soft top a little cheeky?

I have a date tonight.

I feel bad though because to be fair I am really only going through the motions.

I just don't have the energy for all the preamble crap.

The dates where you are sickly polite and only talk about safe things.

Where you don't let any skeletons out of the closet.

Seriously, I feel like a fraud when I go on these dates cos they always thinks I am such a catch.

Reality is though that when I start opening up and revealing the rest of me they run a mile.

So like I said ... why bother.

Then on Saturday I have a date arranged through a BDSM site.

So at least there is that part out of the way and I know they will not be shocked/disgusted by my inner needs when they come up in conversation but sadly I have come to find that guys who know that up front assume they don't have to bother knowing anything more about me.

Which then makes things end before they start. Intimacy is about more than sex.

So again ... why bother.

I think I am just having a vulnerable time right now where I want some closeness. I want some laughter. Some shared secrets. Some intense sex.

Is it so abnormal to want someone who is intrigued by both the outside and the inside? Why can I only seem to get people who one or the other and not both.

Don't worry, I'll get over it and normal service will be resumed.

Until I no longer work for this company.

Why is that clock moving so slow?

Went and did role play at HMP Grendon yesterday.

I snorted ... yes, Subsy, I snorted with laughter right in the middle of one scene !

I have had four emails today telling me how happy I will be with a larger penis.

To think it was only yesterday that I misplaced my cervix.

In other news ... after 16 months my blog crush has finally made reference to getting me drunk and taking advantage of me.

What?

That's how I read it.

I am being a brat.

I am aware of this and don't need it pointed out.

I did not get one single birthday present.

Nothing.

Nadda.

Yes, I know I am 35 but I kinda thought I might get a wee summat at least from family.

Yes, I know at my age it should not be about gifts but about having friends and family and my health.

Blah fucking blah.

I didn't even get a happy birthday wish from my older brother ... not even a text message.

I guess after me not being in the same country as them for 16 years it made it easy for them not to bother.

Here is my post from my birthday last year and it seems that things never change.

Charlie was encouraging me to get drunk.

Juzzzy was picking on my spelling.

A certain someone * ahem * was looking for excuses to go to strip clubs.

When I was sitting in the doctors office this morning waiting to have a routine cervical smear thingymajig done ...... what?

Isn't that what every girl schedules for her birthday?

Anyway, when I was sitting there texting to pass the time ( ) little did I know that a part of my body was in hiding.

I soon found out though.

The bloody nurse had me propped up on a pillow ... well my ass.

She had me stand up and shake ... I jest ye not.

She had me put balled up fists under my hips.

Yet the apparently just out of medical school nurse could not find my cervix.

I was quite sure I had one when I left the house.

Wonder if I left it at the gas station.

Hmmmmm.

So she leaves me half naked on that wonderful paper sheet and goes in search of the doctor.

Shutting the door was not an option it seemed!

Five minutes later I have the doctor up to his wrist inside me trying to 'twist and drop' my cervix.

W.T.F.

So I am now sitting here at my desk feeling abused, violated and sticky.

Best fucking birthday I've had since I was 5 and got my ears pierced.

Ipod or MP3 ?

Why ?

Guess which one I did last night.

Taking tomorrow off because ... well, because I can. What are they gonna do ... fire me?

So.... three days and no plans.

Hmmmmmmm.