After reading something Fruity wrote to me it has made me realise how much my friends list has changed/grown since I put a certain 'friends only' post up some months back.

So I have decided to repost it here with no restrictions as to who can view and hopefully it will make some of my more recent posts make sense to you.

Aplogies to those of you that have already seen this and want to yawn

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First posted early October:

I was sitting tonight going through some papers I have been meaning to go through and found something I wrote some time back and wanted to share it. I am making this for certain friends only to hopefully give you all a small glimpse into why I sometimes fall off the deep end. I am not ashamed of what I have had to go through but sometimes I have a hard time putting what happened into words and am certainly no poet.
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"Bobby Is No More"

I hate this place, I hate this hell.
How did this happen, I was doing so well.
The mistake I made was loving the wrong man.
A future for us was not in Gods plan.

It's hard to say "Goodbye" but that is what I did.
Not only did it hurt me but I know it hurt the kids.
In a perfect situation we could have stayed friends.
But tragically for Bobby he thought it was the end.

His anger at rejection caused him to lash out.
The lies that he told about me made me scream and shout.
It was my word against his in a town that was his home.
I have never in my life felt so damned and all alone.

Three weeks in this place and he came to see me one day.
But I was filled with anger and hurt so I sent him on his way.
Then I got the news that took the breath out of my chest.
Now trapped by all his lies he felt that death for him was best.

On that sad May morning a proud man took his life.
Leaving behind his children and a heart that cries at night.
My situation will change with truth at the courts door.
But that won't change the fact that Bobby is no more.

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Post-script: After spending a harrowing 11 months in a backwoods, redneck, corrupted jail I was set free and cleared of all charges.
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I think Thursday must hate me. If you will notice that on Thursdays my main desire seems to be to cancel it and get to Friday. Why should this week be any fucking different.

Now ... none of what is irritating me is a disaster by itself but combined it is begining to make me feel that someone is poking me in the eyes with a biro.

Dress that I had a bidding frenzy over on Ebay arrived today NOT from London but some child slave factory in China. It is so grossly NOT what I wanted ... the only thing the same as the picture is the color. It looks like it was thrown together at midnight on a speeding train by stoned midgets!!

SatNav that I ordered has NOT arrived so I will blindly set off yet again on a road trip with my toes, fingers and eyelashes crossed that I will arrive at least within 100 miles of desired location. Fuck.

New phone is shiny and pretty with bells and whistles but I'll be fucked if I can make 'em chime and tinkle for me.

My brother called to ask if I would like to spend Christmas with him and his missus. Hmmmm ... let me think about it .... erm ... No.

Mom called in tears cos I don't want to do Christmas this year and then proceeded with a guilt trip that may have worked on Stalin but I don't care.

I do NOT want to be here for Christmas. I do NOT want to be around a family that this time last year couldn't have given a fuck if I was ever set free. I do NOT want to pretend that it's ok that I will not be seeing my son.

I do however want a drink and that won't fucking happen because in usual Abi procrastination style I now have too much to fucking do.

Tra la la la la la

Oh look a choccie biscuit ....

* wanders off in a daze but feeling rather relieved *