DOGS DIARY

7am: Oh boy, a walk............my favourite!

8am: Oh boy, dog food........my favourite!

9am: Oh boy, the kids.........my favourite!

Noon:Oh boy, the garden....my favourite!

2pm: Oh boy, a car ride......my favourite!

3pm: Oh boy, the kids.........my favourite!

4pm: Oh boy, playing ball....my favourite!

6pm: Oh boy, welcome home Mum....my favourite!

7pm: Oh boy, welcome home Dad.....my favourite!

8pm: Oh boy, dog food.....my favourite!

9pm: Oh boy, tummy rubs on the couch.....my favourite!

11pm: Oh boy, sleeping in my people's bed.....my favourite!

CATS DIARY

Day 483 of my captivity....

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat dry cereal.

The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction that I get from clawing the furniture.

Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded.....must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair. I must remember to try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to strike fear into their hearts. They only coo-ed and condescended about what a good little cat I am. Hmmmm, that didn't go according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard my confinement was due to my powers of inducing 'allergies'. I must learn what this power is and how I may use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies, and maybe snitches. The dog next door is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird at the house down the road, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I have patience.

I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

What a totally crap day all around.

I hereby declare it cancelled.

Everybody please move along to tomorrow.

1. Do you still talk with the person you last kissed?
Yes ... and he makes a great Tom Collins.
2. Have you ever seen your best friend naked?
Don't have a best friend right now. Not pitiful just fact.
3. Do you like more than one person right now?
Yes.
4. What was the last thing you ate?
A piri-piri wrap.
5. Did you get any compliments today?
Hmmm ..is "Your hair looks different today" a compliment?
6. Where are you going on your next vacation?
The pub on Friday!!
7. Are most of your friends guys or girls?
50/50
8. Do you own any furniture from Ikea?
No .. should I? What is Ikea?
9. Do you own any pets?
Yep ... Smudge of sour milk drinking fame.
10. If you could have one superpower what would it be?
Walk through walls
11. Where have you lived most of your life?
States
12. Why is the sky blue?
Are you kidding me?
13. When was the last time you took a long drive?
Back from Leeds with Kay snoring a damn tune.
14. What is your least favorite sound?
The spin cycle on my current washing machine. It fucking scares me !!
15. Are you moody?
I can be. What of it?
16. What is your most favorite movie of all time?
Lonesome Dove.
17. Have you ever done anything hurtful to a classmate?
Yes but her hair looked 'nice' when we were done.
18. Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?
Actually no.
19. Have you ever toilet papered someone's house?
Yes ... don't blame me I was acting like a sheep.
20. Have you ever had a crush on your sister's friend?
No sister.
21. Have you ever gone to a nude beach?
Yes.
22. Have you ever gone streaking?
Nada.
23. Have you ever had a stalker?
Yes but his injuries should heal soon.
24. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
Yes. God I wish I hadn't stolen this now .. these are pathetic.
25. How many hours a day do you watch TV?
At least the news if nothing else.
26. Have you ever gone to a party?
FFS. Yes.
27. Have you ever been in love?
Define love. I have been infatuated etc but love ... not sure.
28. Have you ever been betrayed by your best friend(s)?
Yes, hence the answer to number 2.
29. Have you ever been out of the UK?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
30. Have you ever thrown up from working out?
OMG !! Are you out of your mind? Work out?
31. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat?
Yep.
32. Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food in one day?
Yes, when driving from California to Tennessee.
33. What was the last song you listened to?
Throwing Copper - Live album in the car ( not sure what sone was on when I got here )
34. What items do you never leave home without?
Money, credit-cards, phone and keys.
35. Last restaurant you ate at?
Ye Olde Leathern Bottle
36. Who was the last person who called you?
Not telling.
37. Who was the last person who texted you?
See 36
38. When was the last time you slept?
Driving to work !! wtf.
39. What are your plans for tonight?
Same as Kay.
40. Who will repost this survey?
Hopefully no-one.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Well, our resident SCROOGE just reminded me that tomorrow is a date in time that shall be forever burned into my soul as the day I learned how to hate.

November 24th.

Happy fucking wedding anniversary wishes go out to my fuckwit c**t of an ex-husband.

Most people remember the exact day/hour/minute of their divorce. I don't. Not a clue. Yet my wedding day will forever be seared in my memory.

I shall never forget the utter fear .. yep, I was a virgin on my wedding night.

How's that for a shocker.

You would think that my own mother would know me just a teeny bit.

Mom and dad landed the other day after going back to the U.S. for a few weeks.

Mom calls me at work yesterday to tell me that my present had arrived. She mailed it ... don't fucking ask!!

I get there not really sure what I am expecting.

She has bought me ... me who has lived in South Carolina for the last million fucking years a .... wait for it ...... South Carolina thimble. ( they didn't even go to S.C. they went to Nevada !! )

I'm sorry ... did I turn 98 and not know it.

WTF do I want a S.C. thimble for? For bouncing off the parental foreheads maybe??

Ungrateful? Yeah I guess I am. Just makes me see my parents don't have a clue who I am.

Soooooooo .... here's my point to this tirade.

What is the worst present you have ever been given that you had to pretend you liked. C'mon ... give it up.