Do you ever get so sick and tired of always being the life of the party, the rock to lean on, the one with her head on her shoulders etc etc?? Well, I fucking do. This is where I go into melt down. I have in the last 24 hours done some incredibly fucking stupid things. Things I cannot take back. Things that will have repercussions for some time I am sure. I have this inate ability to hurt others and more importantly hurt myself. I am 34 and yet still have a single minded path of a selfish teenager. So to try and counteract that I do things that are so damn detremental to myself that its almost fucking laughable. I sure as hell am not able to let anyone get close. I think I want someone in my life and t hen the absolute second someone shows interest I do all I can to destroy it. I guess that way they can't let me down.

Wanna know what has brought this on????

In the last 24 hours I have loaned a way too huge sum of money out that I am quite sure I shall never see again.

I have had completely 'empty sex' with someone. I am so fucking stupid.

I am not blogging this to ply for reassurance or sympathy. I am merely exploding before I implode. I deserve my existence.