... and in control of text !!! Oh dear God ... someone take my phon eawy frron me.

Sorry to the three bloggers that have dealt with my text tonight.

Life is a srange thing and I am fighting to stay parallel.

Stupid bollocking speed cameras !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nuff said !!!!

Well, some of you may have been following my internet dating escapade. I have to be honest and say that I am not as enthusiastic about it now as I was when I put the ad on. However, I feel I should see it through to at least one date. Also, to be fair, once weeding out the pond scum I have found some very nice ( or so it seems ) responses to my ad. So, with that said, I will be having my first date this Friday. It is only to meet for drinks ( maybe dinner if it goes well ) and see how we get along. I shall report back here

Do y'all think I am being unfair to even go on the date if my heart is not really into it?

Ok, it's been a long ( but good ) day so I am cheating a little with todays sex question.

First to answer them all correctly ( well, correct by the answers I have ) wins a big squishy hug and virtual drink of choice !!!

Quiz ends tomorrow night.

1. Which of the following is an erogenous zone?
A.) The clitoris.
B.) The small of the back
C.) The perineum.
D.) All of the above

2. This zone is often thought of as "belonging" to women, yet there are many men who also enjoy having it licked and caressed, often with a similar physical response.
A.) Ear lobes
B.) Nipples
C.) Toes
D.) Neck

3. While there are many enduring erotic images in the movie 9-1/2 Weeks, one famous scene featured an often-overlooked erogenous zone and some ice. What part of Kim Basinger's anatomy got the screen time?
A.) Her back
B.) Her knees
C.) Her abdomen
D.) None of the above

4. This important organ is a crucial part of one of the five senses. It is so sensitive to breath and touch, delicately kissing and blowing on it may cause the rest of the body to become extremely aroused.
A.) The nose
B.) The mouth
C.) The ear
D.) None of the above

5. These come in a variety of lengths and sizes. Nuzzling, nibbling and kissing this area sends some people into back-arching, moaning ecstasy. The name of this area may also be used as a verb.
A.) Hand
B.) Chin
C.) Neck
D.) None of the above

6. Many people admire this body part, but never think to take advantage of its erogenous potential. Many celebs like to show them off, but Tina Turner's are the most famous.
A.) The thighs
B.) The buttocks
C.) The breasts
D.) The shoulders

7. I am the largest erogenous zone, yet I have nothing to do with reproduction. Kiss me, lick me, tickle me with feathers, or even pinch me -- I'll respond to as little as a breath of air. What am I?
A.) The buttocks
B.) The inner thighs
C.) The breasts
D.) The skin

8. This area responds well to long, trailing kisses, light scratching, and even deep, kneading massage. It's used in several expressions, whether we're telling someone to leave us alone or that we're fighting an addiction.
A.) The buttocks
B.) The back
C.) The arms
D.) The legs

9. As one of the hardest-working erogenous zones, this body part certainly deserves a little attention. Maybe it's because this area is so far away from the mouth, but it responds quite favorably to any sort of licking and kissing.
A.) Anus
B.) Ears
C.) Hands
D.) Feet

What the hell is going on?? I am too busy to do a sex question until I get home and by then no-one will want sex????

Can't stop long ... am on my way to grab some lunch after a crazy morning. Just wanted to update that I hugged my receptionist as soon as I saw her this morning ( no, not a squishy hug ) and have sat with her fro an hour and a half going over some new training plans that I will be putting forward to the other offices ... not on how to train their receptionist but how to train everyone else in the building to have some damn manners !! Thats not quite how it goes but you get the point after my eye opening day yesterday!!

Be back in a little while ... sandwich shop here I come!!

Is it bad that I laughed my ass off at the "knock knock" joke !!!!!!

I have been sitting here reading back over some of my blogs from May and realised I had not done an update from my
Family Bombshell

Well, I did find out Sperm donors name, found out that he knew about me and offered my mom 10p !!! , found out my sisters names and last known addresses. Even went so far as to write letters ( never mailed ) and actually called some numbers out of the phone book ( hung up when they answered though ). Am I scared. You bet your ass I am. Do I want to know this wing of my family? You bet your ass I do? Will I ever follow up on this? You bet your ass I don't know!!!!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ...... I am number three. I'm coming for ya Charlie boy. Watch out for the feel of my whip on your ankles!!!!!!

Plans ....

Cook supper ( or tea as y'all quaintly call it )

Do a little work ( well, I have been in Alcatraz all day!! )

Watch a show recommended by the Egg Lady ( I shall have to chase her with a stick if it's crap!! )

Take bath ( love a shower but a bath is so yummy to relax in )

For the duration sample the delights of my village stores wine selection.

And your plans for this evening are???????

Oh My God !!!!! Whether I feel the actual workload itself warrants a pay raise is irrelevant. After seeing how nearly 80% of people who walk through the door ( when I actually feel like letting them in ) or call on the phone are so fekking rude to a receptionist she WILL be getting the raise. These are the very same people who I deal with as clients and they are always ( well not ALL of them ) polite and courteous. Yet they have no clue I am role playing today and are talking to me like I am below them. Just because I am answering the phones you ignorant fucks does NOT make you better than me. The worst part though is that some of these calls are from employees at other offices within the company. I am NOT a happy Abi right now. My whip will be going into action tomorrow. I am seething right now. She ( the normal receptionist ) is a very competent girl who does way more than just get the phone. This building ( and I do NOT exagerate ) would function at half strength without someone competent and flexible on the front lines. How dare fellow employees even think they are better. I don't care if you are a senior partner or a cleaning lady .... you are no worse or no better than the person next to you just because of your job. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr !!!!!!!!!!!!! A cup needs coffee and coffee needs a cup for Gods sake!!!!

After some 'tweaking' ( not a word Smut boys ) I am going to throw my questions in together ... 1 intimate and 1 normal.

How do you feel now about your very first sexual experience?

1 ) The memory still turns me on!

2 ) Mortified - it was a disaster and I'd rather forget all about it

3 ) I look back at it with a mixture of fondness and embarrassment

If your life were made into a television show, would it be a soap opera, a drama, or a sitcom? What would it be called?

Here they are Sixey. Although I am not actually showing this much leg ~ I had to raise the skirt to get the boots in. Probably shoulda got someone to take the picture for me but can't see asking anyone here to do it !!

Wooohooooo !!! Today I get to play at being someone else. Kinda like a work related role-play. Actually it's because I am such a nice person that I am doing this ( Yes, Niq I am a nice person really ... ssshhhh )

Anyway, the receptionist called about 20 minutes ago and mumbled something about a car, xrays, hospital stay. Think she's faking it personally So in the inerest of good company morale, I have volunteered myself to run reception today. Have I lost my fekking mind?!?! Quite possibly. I have no client meetings today and I feel like doing something different. This shall be fun ( I try to convince myself ) and I get to spy as there is CCTV and the monitors are in reception. *evil grin*

So I am now sitting out here in what I have renamed "Alcatraz". I can see the mainland but just can get there!!

Ooooo and I have the control over the front door. Think that shall be the source of much amusement later today! Which of course I shall not abuse.

Which of the following sexual fantasies are most likely to appeal to you?

1 ) Weekend spent in bed in a romantic hotel with your partner, a bottle of champagne and lots of chocolates

2 ) Role-play situations involving you and your current partner

3 ) Sex involving strangers, in public, or in a group situation with your partner

For me ~ 1 but can it involve a hot tub too and a balcony.

Ta da ..... not stolen !!!!

In your current or last relationship, do or did you ever fake orgasms or lust and if so, what is the most likely reason for you to do so?

A )Rarely. I only fake it when I'm too tired to go on and don't want to hurt his/her feelings!

Never. My partner nearly always satisfies me completely and if he/she doesn't I either tell him so or do the job myself!

C)Sometimes. I find it difficult to tell my partner what it is that I need sexually

For me the answer would be B. I spent many years in my marrigae faking it and swore I would never cheat myself ever again.

Ok, I am sooooo in trouble. Not only will Kay glare at me for the 'mood of the day' pic ( but I loveeeeee it ) and now after strolling I see that Graeme does a question thingy. I am not purposely a thief .... will they believe the whole 'great minds blah blah' stuff??

Fek it !!!

sitting in corner pondering things now

You can select one deceased person from history or your personal life and ask them a question. Whom would you select, and what question would you ask?

For me it would be a person named Bobby and my question would be "Did you really think it would be that bad?"

* Today's bizarre news *

A WOMAN recovering from major surgery returned from a doctor's appointment to find a letter telling her she was dead.

Mrs Doe had suffered complications following a hysterectomy last year which left her seriously ill. She required an operation on a twisted bowel.

After an appointment for a blood test, she came home to find the letter from Sutton and East Surrey Water.

Addressed to the household, it explained that her direct debit had been cancelled due to her death and advised the family to contact the company to find out how this would affect water charges.

Luckily Mrs Doe, a 46-year-old mother-of-two, saw the funny side. She said: "It was very ironic after everything I've been through. I thought 'Am I? Well you'd think the doctor would have told me'.

"You've got to see the funny side. When my husband found out he asked what it was I was supposed to have died of, because if it was accidental he was in for a lot of money."

............. I would like to give a squishy hug to all the grape stomping people out there who have allowed wine to become a reality.

Ahhhhhhhhhh ................... and relaxxxxxxxxxxxx

... because odds are it will be either a sales call or someone who has the ability to knock the breath out of you and knock you to your knees with one unfailing hit. You will NOT be able to talk, breath or function. Mentally you will curl up into fetal position and wait for the darkness.

Going home for the day.

Just got this as an email. Probably old but I was giggling like a kid imagining some of them.

Based on a survey published via the Internet, here are some of the odd things reported by HR professionals.

1. "... said he was so well-qualified that if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent."

2. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

3. "... brought her large dog to the interview."

4. "... chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles."

5. "Candidate kept giggling through serious interview."

6. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

7. "Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

8. "Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle."

9. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

10. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office."

11. "Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview."

12. "Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president."

13. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

14. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

15. "... wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police."

16. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

17. "... had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him."

18. "... bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet."

19. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

20. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

21. "Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer I had made was formal."

22. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

23. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."

24. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

25. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

26. "An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus."

27. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."

28. "He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped."

29. "He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time."

30. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

31. "He whistled when the interviewer was talking."

32. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."

33. "... she threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened."

34. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

35. "... asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview."

Does sitting waiting for someone who is late bother you really bad??

I am sitting here waiting on my 10.30am client and they are not here yet. It is so frustrating because I can't really do anything major until they get here or have the decency to cancel. I have blocked an hour and a half for this client and that is such a waste. If they show up now I still have to see them but dammit ... it will throw my whole day off.

Breathe in ... breathe out ... breathe in ... breathe out.

Well, my fellow bloggeroos. You are gonna laugh at this one. As you most know I went camping this weekend. I had thought it was just going to be a bunch of us girls having a weekend away with wine and jammies. However upon arrival I find it's actually a rather large campout/party type thing. No biggie, I brought wine so I really don't care.

Then at some point in the evening I find myself engrossed in great conversation with this wonderful guy. On my little ad checklist he had all the required credentials. Good looking, funny, smart ass ( yes, I like that !! ), sexy, employed, independant etc etc etc .... all the right 'stuff' wasthere. Yet, and get this, I was not attracted to him. He leaned in to kiss me and I leaned away. I was sooo shocked at myself because the whole time we were talking I kept thinking ... this guy is great!! Hmmmmmm ..... wonder if I am getting wierd in my old age??

Comments? Thought? Heckles??

Yep. That's it. Just a Good Morning to ya all.

Now, dammit .... say Good Morning back.

Abi x

p.s. In a much better frame of mind this mrning than I was last week.

It has just occured to me how utterly pathetic my life is. It has also occured to me what I would be doing if I had kept my ass in the States.

It's Friday night, I am single, I have nothing tying me to the house.

I am in England with limited social circle so therefore I have an exciting evening ahead consiting of t.v, wine ( by myself ) and a book in the bathtub. Oh, yes, I could stroll down to the village local but after a while there is something offputting about the entire pub going dead silent and everyone turning to see who is this new girl walking in the door.

If I were back home I would have numerous friends I could make plans with, could load the horses into the trailer and take off for a rodeo or could go to the local bar where they poured my drink when they saw me pulling up.

Am I regretting moving here? No, not at all but damn I feel grrrrrrrrrrrrrr right now. lol

Ok, I am so mad at the lack of notice Charlie gave me last week.

Anyone wanna have drinks next weekend ( Friday or Saturday )?

Stop and listen.

Tell me exactly what you can hear right now.

I have a squeeky shoed coworker walking around, a sneezing fit in the office next door, the copier on overdrive and a keyboard tapping away. Guess what I don't hear? Talking!!! Oh bliss ... it's been the first day all week that my secretary/filing ace ( she fixed the temps fuck up) has had her mouth closed. Bless her but damn if she can't talk a storm into quietness. I find myself actually typing what she is saying sometimes.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhh ............ if the first few replies are any indication then I am going to give up and become that annoying drunk chick just holding the bar up and drowning her sorrows!!!

Guy 1 ) 49, 5'6" and lives 250ish miles from me. Currently studying and living with family.

Guy 2 ) His message to me = "Contact me for a good time"

Guy 3 ) 22 and looking for his first 'experience'

Need I say anymore? I need a fucking drink !!!!!

Well, I found a somewhat suitable site that didn't try to rape my bank account too badly for the honor of trying to sell myself to the highest bidder.

I have placed an ad stating pretty much what I had put on 'episode 1' although I did tweak it a bit ( tweaking is good 'eh? )

I have added non naked pics which will take upto 24 hours for some numpty perv to approve.

Then voila ... I shall be out there vulnerable and easy pickings.

I have in the interest of community support decided that should I get any responses I shall actually bring them ( the responses not the person ya muppet ) here and have you guys decide who gets a date. I will have a certain degree of input ... as I do NOT trust Nick, Charlie and J to play fair!!

Oh and do NOT ask me what site I have the ad on cos I am not setting myself up for obvious ridicule.

OK. Do something nice for someone else ... something you don't normally do. Only thing is ... you can't tell them or make a big issue 'look at me, look at me' out of it. You do however, have to come back here and tell me us what you did ( and why if you like ). If you pass the grade you will be allowed to participate in tomorrows challenge ... Do something MEAN to someone !!!